The Novelty Girls

THIS is why I watch the Olympics!!! I had to wait to post AFTER the final mens relay race to see if Michael Phelps, with the help of his team mates, won another gold medal. And he did!!! It was absolutely amazing to watch.

I am not a sports fanatic…by any means. Normally, I only watch sports when it comes down to the “finals” for basketball and football. However, this past week…I don’t think I’ve watched this much sports in my life. But, it’s not just about the sports. It’s about the spirit of the games. How many times can so many people join together from that many countries, nationalities, religions and just enjoy the competition by representing their country?

The opening of the games was awesome! Watching all those world records and olympic records being broken was awesome. I will forever remember these names Dara Torres, Jason Lezak, Nastia Liukin, Wei Yang, Usain Bolt ….Michael Phelps.

When I was told the topic for the week here was romance and finding Mr. Right I got very excited. Because this is a favorite topic of mine. Honestly. If I have one prevailing theme in my books it’s that you take people as they come. You don’t change them, you don’t resent their inherent natures, you don’t do anything but love someone for what they are or don’t love them at all.

What does this have to do with Finding Mr. Right? Everything.

I have a theory. It’s really profound. Here it goes. Everyone on earth is annoying. I told you it was profound. So, how do we find Mr. Right? We find the person whose irritating habits are the least offensive to us. Just because someone bugs your neighbor doesn’t mean they’ll bug you. In other words, every pot has its lid.

For years I flitted through the dating pool looking for the guy for me. It was tough though because my standards were…odd. And the only one who could meet them was someone equally as odd. Finally I met and married someone that most women would probably not be able to live with. He has an IQ in the top .01 percent. He makes his hand talk in a really high pitched voice and sing eighties love ballads, he calls it Mr. Hand and acts like it has a separate personality. He cares way too much about obscure military strategy and he makes monkey noises and pretends to hump my leg.

He’s perfect.

He’s also annoying. He ends almost every thing I say with, “Your mom _____” For instance, if I say, “Can you take out the garbage?” nine out of ten times he will respond with, “Your mom takes out the garbage.” I don’t know why he does this, he just does. He whines like a child when he gets tired or sick. He leaves piles of clothes behind the bathroom door like he has no idea what a washer is.

But that’s okay. He’s always been this way. He was this way before we got married. Almost immediately after we got married he did the laundry behind the door thing and I castigated him for it. And he made a reference to the Native American story of the boy who carries the rattlesnake down the mountain and gets bitten for it. I told him he needed to pick up his laundry and he gave me that dimpled smile that never seems to get any less boyish no matter old he gets and told me, “You knew what I was when you picked me up.”

And that’s the long and short of the way I feel about my characters and their romances. As I mentioned, taking people for themselves is the deepest running thread through all of my stories. I strongly feel the need to repeat over and over that people are what they are and they aren’t like dresses made for hemming. You don’t pick someone up expecting them to change. One of my heroes, Chandler, is irascible and short tempered. He’s a perfectionist and basically he’s kind of a jerk. The heroine not only knows what he is and accepts that, she gets a little kick out of it. That’s a match made in heaven right there.

So the long and short of it is that finding Mr. Right for you can be hard, but that doesn’t mean he needs to be perfect for everyone. Just for that heroine, just in that book. When you have two characters who just connect the right way, it doesn’t matter how little they fit the rest of the world. Sometimes two very oddly shaped puzzle pieces just fit right together. And that’s the secret of making a perfect match. You heard it here first.

AJ

So I was prepared to go into total bitch-snark mode today, (and I”m in the mood for it, too, fyi) but Crys just emailed me from SanFran with some kickin-ass news for the workshop we’re setting up for October. And if she hadn’t gone, this wouldn’t have happened, so I can’t be resentful. Right this second, anyway

Waiting on details, but I’m a happy fangirl camper right now.

PS. This after she touched Gena Showalter inappropriately for me. Srsly…can’t you just feel the love?

First things first: Yesterday, Crys PMed me from San Francisco, where she’s hanging out with a few hundred industry importants and authors galore. What had she done that day? She fondled Gena Showalter’s bum. On my behalf. Oh yes, there was some spanking by proxy to be had, and it was brought to you (of course) by the girls of TNG. She has promised me photos of future spankage, and this being Crys (and Gena) I believe her. And oh yes, Gena was well-aware it was really my hand doing the spanking, thankee much, which is why I am her #1 stalker-fangirl. I am a happy woman.

Of course, none of this makes up for the fact that I am here, and not there, but next year folks, I will be fondling the asses of famous authors for myself, and that makes this year bearable.

well, that and the RD Not Going to Conference Conference, which has us virtually fondling the bums of famous authors. Or at least, we’re picking their brains, which is better, no? Less likely to wind up with me in front of a judge, anyway, which is a Very Good Thing.

You may have noticed a distinct lack-of-snark today. Truth is, I’m just too tired to manage it. Kids were up through the night, and despite a nap, I’d really rather be sleeping right now.

Leave my Momi alone.

Helo TNG reeders. My name iz Ruby and my momi is Mel. She is the best momi ever and Im here to dufend her reputashun from the following rumerz.

1. Momi iz not responsible for Globul Warming. That wuz Al Goar. U wud no that if u watched the newz or red sumpin other than dirty blogz.

2. Momi did not kreeate 1-ply toilet paper. Her bottum iz extreemly delikate and therfor wud not be responsibul for sumpin so harsh.

3. Momi iz not so stoopid that she started the war in iRak. She iz a lurver not a fiter.

4. Momi can not help the awsumness of Twittr. It iz not hur fawlt u r a big twit. (Momi just told me u r not a twit but a twittrer. i stnd by my orijinul statmunt. twit.)

5. Momi iz definutly not responsibul for Vista. Hooevur started that rumer shud be shot.

Ther u hav it. My momi is a big bowl of awesum and u all shud be nice tu her.

I thought I really bonded with Crystal and RG last year. So how could they go to conference without me? SRSLY, so uncool.

Look, I even have photographic evidence. (photo credit to the lovely and talented Nic Montreuil. Love you, Miss You.)

First, Crystal gets me all worked up by groping me.

Then they whisk me of to a TRANNY BAR where they force me to sing a Pat Benatar song

and then ply me with alcohol until I think I am the inspiration behind ABBA’s Dancing Queen. And then they do their thing…together.

and now, they’ve gone off and left me. Alone. With their blog…

You can bet your sweet bippy I’ll have the last laugh.

First of all, I’m late, and I’m sorry. Seriously. Bad Mel, needs a spanking. I’m bending over right now for whoever wants to line up and give me licks. (I like it when they sting a little, just so you know…)

Yes, I forgot I was guest blogging today. I have the email that Crystal sent me but for some reason, I didn’t manage to post it on my calendar. I think I’ll just blame the booze and move on.

**Takes another gulp sip of wine**

You know what? I’m not moving on. I can’t believe those Damn Going to Conference Girls Novelty Girls think they can boss us, giving us a theme to write about and ’scheduling’ our posts just cuz we’re here and they’re there. At conference. Being all slutty writer-like and drunk networking. Whatever.

They ain’t here.

This is the Mel Show, bitches.

I’ll write what I wanna write. And I’ll be late if I wanna be late. So there.

Dayna and I have something special planned for Friday…so be afraid ready. Be very afraid ready.

Ok, seriously I shouldn’t get to claim this as a post cause now that I’m here, I’m leaving again. Actually, I’m leaving in the morning for Savannah, Hilton Head Saturday, then to Jax to fly out on Wed. Less than a week till I get to schmooze with everyone in SF! I can’t wait.

Today I’m getting tortured with packing though. The kids are staying in Savannah while I’m gone so not only am I dealing with my stuff, but theirs. They’re taking so much crap. Kill. Me. Now. So I’m off to finish what can be done tonight. See y’all next week!

Heading out tomorrow. My feelings can best be described in this YOUTUBE medley.

I’m Leaving On A Jet Plane

But Think of Me Fondly

And I’ll Be Back Soon

Cause I Dont Need Anything But You