This is a particularly hard topic for me to write about, but an important one.
I have these two friends. Let’s call them Cynthia and Jordan. They’re writing partners; for over a year now, they’ve spent almost every day together chatting about writing, working on their respective projects, reading each others’ snippets, as well as encouraging and critiquing each other. Sometimes, I was envious of the relationship they shared, because it’s been a very long time since I’ve had a writing partner on path and par with myself.
Over the past several months, though, I’ve watched that relationship sour.
Instead of unconditional support and encouragement, Cynthia has outright stated a preference for Jordan’s fan-fiction, which she writes for fun. When Jordan wants to work on an original project, Cynthia’s reaction is lackluster at best; at worse, she directly asks for Jordan to write fan-fiction and pouts if she refuses.
Needless to say, this has hit Jordan very hard since she has become used to depending on Cynthia’s support. It’s like the rug’s been pulled out from under her. She’s lost her footing.
It’s sad for me to see and strikes a personal chord, because I’ve been there too.
My first writing partner was also my ex-fiancé, Robert. It’s a good part of why I fell in love with him. We spent hours online together, talking about our projects — and we were on the same level. When we brainstormed, the ideas flew like fire, and we would both become ever-more excited about our projects. We had the same goals and ambitions, and we were set on doing whatever it took to achieve them.
I don’t know when it happened, but at some point things started going downhill. When before he would’ve supported decisions I made about my work, Robert later tried to talk me out of them. For instance, he didn’t want me to write about lesbians because of his bad experiences with the San Francisco lesbian community. When I cast a character who could change his gender at will as a villain, he accused me of trying to put transsexuals in a bad light. Me = speechless.
By the end, he was telling me I should be writing men’s adventure novels because that was what he wanted to read. Um. WTF? I’m not exactly your chick flick drama sort of gal, but I sure as shit don’t want to read something focused around guys. Why the hell would I write it?
I’ve spent the past several years healing from the damage that relationship caused. While I’ve dealt with the remnants from the romantic relationship, I’ve never quite healed from the loss of my best friend and writing buddy.
*stops and takes a deep breath*
In some ways, a writing partner is not that far off from a romantic one, because you’re allowing them to see into your deepest, most personal self. There are things we write about that we may not otherwise admit. Fiction is safer, but it’s still self. You’re baring your creativity for them to nurture.
And I? Where I thought seeds of light had been planted, I found disease and decay.
And a whole damn lot of sorrow.
Writers are a fragile bunch. Hell, it’s true of me, even as much as I don’t let it show. The wrong words from someone we’ve entrusted can be destructive, especially when we’re already so prone to self-doubt. The worst thing is that the other person may not mean to hurt; they may even mean to be helpful. That’s why it’s so important to be self-aware and consider your words carefully before speaking.
Because some things? Can’t be taken back once the damage is done.
June 27th, 2007 at 9:23 am
Thank you for this, Nonny. I know sometimes I think I depend way too much on my writer friend’s opinion, but then, they also do the “You really will make it” thing.
June 27th, 2007 at 11:50 am
I have a large, rather impersonal critique group. I’ve often wanted a writing buddy. . .someone to write “with”, but reading this, perhaps it’s best that I continue on the way I am. I get the critiques, and the encouragement when I need it. We also have little writing challenges throughout the year to keep us on our toes.
June 28th, 2007 at 12:40 am
I know how sensitive I am-and I try very hard to put myself in their position, and remember at all times that I am reading their very personal creation. It is a very intimate relationship-lots of trust involved-and you dont even realize how much until you hand it over or hit that send button
But I definitely lucked out in that arena.
June 28th, 2007 at 12:42 am
I just looked at this post and realized I said very a million times LOL
Well I obviously mean it…VERY much
June 28th, 2007 at 12:59 am
Amen, sistah. Writing relationships that go sour make for a lot more uncertainty than is usual…which is saying a lot for a writer because we’re ALWAYS uncertain.
And you’re the bestest writer bitch a girl could ask for, RG. *hugs*
PS–Should I take it personally that one of the friends has my last name? What are you trying to say?