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May
16
The past few months have been extremely hectic for me. Some of y’all who read my blog know that Morgan and I moved a friend (who, um, later became a bit more *cough*) in back in March because he needed a place to stay after breaking off an abusive relationship. Cue a roller-coaster ride of way too many crazy events to name, and the end result is… Nonny don’t write.
This is bad for several reasons. Namely, I become a moody, cranky bitch when I don’t write. Okay, I know I’m that way normally, but it’s even worse when I’m not writing. Seriously. Trust me on this here. I’m reasonably contained in my online presence, but I feel really sorry for the two guys who’ve had to live with me.
The other major problem with me not writing is that my Inner Dickwad (aka Inner Censor / Editor / Demon / Etc.) comes out full-force. I’ll sit down to work on something, say my urban fantasy project. “OMG! How can you work on that!? You should be working on the sequel to A Passion Draconic!”
But if I switch to working on that project… “OMG! WTF are you thinking!? You should be working on Stronger — it’s 2/3 finished, and it’s a New York submission. It’s so much better for your career!”
Me: “Fuck this, I’ll work on something different.”
Inner Dickwad: “OMG! Do you keep your brain in a jar on a shelf or something? That’s not going to get you anywhere!”
Pity you can’t buy ball gags for your inner demons.
It’s a catch-22. If I try to work on something, I have to deal with this shit until I actually find my balance — but it’s so damned hard. It’s a form of block, I guess. This isn’t the first time I’ve dealt with it, but I think it’s the longest “break” I’ve ever taken.
Morgan pretty much flat-out told me the other day: “Don’t take another break. Write something every day, even if it’s just a 100 word exercise. But you can’t keep doing this.”
And he’s right. Every time it happens, it’s harder to bounce back. I keep wondering if maybe … maybe this isn’t the right thing for me. Maybe I ought stop fighting and give up. Maybe it would be better if I just went back to college like so many people have said and get a “normal” job. Maybe I …
Downward spiral? Hell yes. It’s like being trapped in a whirlwind. A whirlwind that I have to learn to ride.
Gods damn, it would be easier to give in … but I can’t. This is my calling. It’s what I’m meant to do. I’ve come too bloody far to turn away now.
Fuck you, Inner Dickwad. I’m doing this. And I’m not giving up.
12 Responses to “Riding the Whirlwind”
May 16th, 2007 at 9:40 am
Yeah! Fuck you Inner Dickwad! You tell him Nonny!
Why does it see that the project I’m working on is the “wrong” one?
Is this a conspiracy to make me think I’m wasting my time so I’ll waste time worrying about wasting time?
(My Inner Dickwad is TOTALLY insane)
I get so caught up in WHERE something is going or IF it’s going that I forget to write the fucker.
Then, I start “tailoring” my story for someone and it gets ALL fucked up.
Riding the whirlwind indeed.
May 16th, 2007 at 10:15 am
Cue the Hallelujah chorus. I know exactly what you’re talking about.
Its time to tar and feather the Inner Dickwad.
May 16th, 2007 at 12:27 pm
Pity you can’t buy ball gags for your inner demons.
LMAO! Sooooooo true!
May 16th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
Yep — when someone finds a website for those gags, let me know!
May 16th, 2007 at 2:49 pm
Do well all have the same inner dickwad? I swear he gets around. (btw, dickwad is my favorite insult EVER. I mean…picture it.)
It’s been another week of personal growth for me (tune in Friday, I’m sure y’all are just DYING to hear about it)…but I’m so with you. Lead the march, Nonny, we’ll ball gag him and shove our successes up his…
oops. Outta time
May 16th, 2007 at 3:12 pm
Jen: Oh, I hear you. I sooo hear you.
As for “tailoring” stories, don’t get me started there. I can’t tell you the number of things I’ve started for a specific submissions call and then not managed to finish because I was having a rough time to begin with. *sigh*
May 16th, 2007 at 3:13 pm
Ericka: If I find a company that makes em, I swear to god I’m buying stock! LOL.
May 16th, 2007 at 3:14 pm
Dayna: So, you’re saying that not only is the Inner Dickwad a dickwad, he’s also a manslut? Boy, does that explain a lot.
(Uh… would that qualify all this shit as a STD?
I think I just squicked myself.)
May 16th, 2007 at 5:51 pm
[...] blogging today at The Novelty Girls about my writing doubts. Seems we’ve determined that “my” Inner Dickwad gets around a [...]
May 17th, 2007 at 9:42 am
Lmao! I want one of those ball gags! As for the inner dickwad, yeah I think we all have the same one!
May 17th, 2007 at 5:40 pm
Inner dickwad….too funny. Yes I know him well and he doesn’t saisfy….AT ALL!
May 31st, 2007 at 4:27 am
[...] months. Some of you who’ve been reading The Novelty Girls know that I’ve been having serious issues getting back into writing after taking a couple months off due to real life rearing its ugly mug. I’d end up with my [...]